Detective Skywarp
by Scarlet Thorrn
Summary: "There was no escaping it if he wanted to scare Starscream senseless. A proper plan must be formed and executed flawlessly if things were to get back on track again, and Skywarp would accept nothing less." Something's amiss about the Nemesis, and it's up to Skywarp to discover the truth.
1. Case: 1 - Part 1

**Detective Skywarp:**

_And the Mystery of the Weirdin' Out Trine-Mate_

(case 1.)

(part 1.)

**Brilliant title, I know. **

**Silly little fic cuz I need to write something as I'm having trouble writing my main story. No clue where this will go. **

**~Enjoy?**

_~~VwV~~_

Needless to say, Skywarp was offended when Starscream abruptly, and quite unexpectedly, entirely stopped reacting to his pranks and obnoxious attempts to get a rise out of him (which he virtually always succeeded in doing). He had figured, at first, that perhaps this was just a once...now twice...okay thrice time thing that would go away. No doubt his Trine-Leader was simply trying to agitate and strike back at him for all the hilarious jokes he had pulled! But prank after prank, jump-scare after classic snake-in-the-magnifier, the most reaction he ever received was a disapproving scowl.

"You're probably just loosing you're touch." Sniggered Frenzy one afternoon fallowing yet _another_ attempt at scaring his Trine-Mate. Starscream had, of course, merely glowered at the twitching organic piles on the floor that'd been dropped from the ceiling, some still shrieking in pain, and merely carried on.

"Yeah! You've played out all your tricks, an' Screamer knows 'em." Rumble chimed in mockingly.

Skywarp glared, making sure to stuff _extra_ cobras in their berths that night.

Weeks sped by, and Skywarp was beginning to panic. Was Starscream really immune to his pranks? Was this the end of a life-time of run-on jokes? Was he going to have to find a new full-time victim to terrorize?! The thought was too horrible to even consider. So, notably, all his determination was thrown into making Screamer scream.

But despite all his efforts, despite all the party-gloop Energon cubes, despite all the slime-tastic lab jobs, despite all the Unicron-mask jump scares, NOTHING!

Everyone was beginning to seriously poke fun of him, especially one particularly dull morning when he'd attempted to publicly humiliate the intrepid Seeker.

Starscream had calmly rose from his seat, wiped his station clean of whatever had been in that box Swindle had pawned for him for a couple of rust sticks, and proceeded to hand out condescendingly disappointed looks to anyone who spared him a curious glance.

After that, Starscream's behaviour was officially deemed...unnerving.

Skywarp shuddered, shrugging off the vexing laughs fallowing him down the corridor as he hurried to his quarters. Teleportation wasn't going to be an option for another two cycles, seeing as, since one of his latest pranks had "destroyed" (seriously, it wasn't _that_ bad) the Decepticon's newest dooms-day devise, Megatron had ordered Soundwave to administer a statis-bracket that blocked his Sigma ability; forcing him to _walk_ everywhere like some _Grounder_. The indignity! 'Course he'd been thoroughly warned that if he made an attempt to remove it, Soundwave would know, and more time would be added to his sentence.

Starscream had scolded him that he had gotten off easy.

When he reached his room, locking the door behind him and moving quickly towards the couch, he took a seat and drew a deep intake, grimacing as he realized he'd have to do what he hated more than anything in the entire universe.

Think.

"True artists must suffer for their profession." Skywarp muttered to himself sadly, leaning back into the cushion-y surfacing and propping his pedes up on the low-table. There was no escaping it if he wanted to scare Starscream senseless. A proper plan must be formed and executed flawlessly if things were to get back on track again, and Skywarp would accept nothing less.

So, with the utmost difficulty, he made a face as he forced his processor to begin plotting. Usually, his tricks were spontaneous acts of genius, but not this time. This was thought-out genius.

Around an hour and a half later, Skywarp was wearing a delightfully devilish grin, peering down at his masterpiece of drawn plans, optics beady and evil. It was so simple, it was perfection.

Knowing that it'd be another two days before the bracket was removed, (and admittedly not possessing the patience to wait the designated time) the purple Seeker gathered all the necessary materials needed, trudging back to his quarters as inconspicuously as possible to assemble what he could before moving on.

Having memorized Starscream's typical schedule and habits many, many vorns ago, Skywarp had no trouble breaking into his Trine-Leader's quarters for literally maybe the millionth time. He had an easy twenty minutes to kill after finally accessing the code panel and stepping casually inside anyways.

Leisurely, he began setting up his trap, the same maniacal face-breaking smile starting to slowly creep back onto his features as he progressed. This was going to be _awesome!_ Starscream would never see it coming! He'd be frightened out of his mind!

Chuckling wickedly, Skywarp stepped back as he finished the first half, admiring his handy work and giving it a test run (just in case anything was misplaced). When he found (non to his surprise) all was pristine and well in order, he grabbed the container squished with one of Starscream's most hated features of Earth, and climbed up to the domed ceiling, resting his frame flat against one of the arching support beams.

And waited.

And waited.

Aaaaaand waited.

The whole of four minutes.

Finally, after an ETERNITY, Skywarp heard the most wonderful sounds: the hiss of the door sliding back. Now, he just needed Starscream to step into position...

Too quick! Skywarp could hear his pedesteps moving rapidly towards his berth in the corner, and could just make his shape...trembling violently.

The semi-hidden Seeker frowned, confused. What in the world...? He watched, awkwardly tilting his helm to acquire an easier look, as Starscream hastily reached under his berth, seized a small container, and whipped back up. He dropped his aft on the berth, digits fumbling as he worked to unscrew the cap of the container, wings perked high in a stressful fashion.

There was a _pop_, and a small pile of greenish...somethings fell into his shaking servo. Before Skywarp could catch a better picture of them though, Starscream had tossed his helm back, swallowing them all at once.

Almost immediately he ceased trembling, expression going distant as he lazily replaced the cap, dropping the container on the ground seconds later as he fell back on his berth, unconscious.

Timidly, Skywarp quietly descended from his hiding place, placing the box of squirming arachnids on the floor and moving slowly towards his Trine-Leader.

He was out cold.

Optics wide, Skywarp starred perplexedly down at the loosely-closed container. Was...was Starscream on crystalshine?

...

Nah! He couldn't be! ...Right? Megatron was incredibly strict about the no-narcotics rule. Sure, a few slipped by _occasionally_, but there was _no way_ on Cybertron, Earth or other Starscream was an...an...addict.

_Just no fragging way._

...But...just to be sure...

Optics narrowed, he snatched up the container, only to discover none of whatever Starscream had taken remaining. With a frown he dialled up his olfactory sensors, searching for the trademark scent crystalshine always left behind.

Nothing.

Okay so not crystalshine. His gaze glanced to Starscream. But that didn't mean it wasn't something else.

Pacing, Skywarp (for the second bloody time that day) started to think. As of late, Starscream's behaviour had been strange. A change had occurred, and it wasn't subtle either. All at once, Starscream had started acting differently, so that must have been the time he began using whatever was altering him. So what was it, and where did it come from? There hadn't been any shipments or traversing to or from Cybertron at the time of the mood shift, so perhaps it was something he had cooked up.

Skywarp stilled, eyeing the sleeping Seeker suspiciously.

_What have you been up to? _

An annoyed grunt breaking from his vocalizer, Skywarp dragged himself over to a chair and plopped himself down.

So-

_Pling!_

Skywarp's optics blinked.

Uh oh.

A splash of crystallizing, clumpy solvent slapped across his helm, forcing his gaze to snap to the left.

_Ping, pong, plink!_

Splat! A dose of H2o washed over his faceplate.

_Bing! _

Bounce! Skywarp's gaze flung upwards as he chin was struck with a ball. He starred at the ceiling, almost expecting to be showered in the creepy spiders the Stunticons had so graciously gathered for him a little whiles back in exchange for all the latest games for their X-Box. (On account that they weren't aloud to go into any human settlements because of a certain cowardice incident during a crucial mission, they couldn't fetch them themselves. They were picky about which of course, so Skywarp just grabbed everything at the "EBEEE Games" and hoped it would suffice. It did.)

Luckily though, Skywarp could only Teleport – not conjure clones of himself. And he sighed in relief as he remained spider-free.

A couple of hours later Skywarp was laying on his berth, frame waxed and cleaned. Ending up a victim of his own brilliance was never a fun experience, but it did occur from tine to time, and he'd learned to deal with it.

_'Sides_, he thought, _there are larger problems afoot. _Those of course being the issue of his Trine-Leader and what he was going to do about this.

It was clear something was wrong. Under regular circumstances, Skywarp would've happily stepped aside and allow Starscream to continue on whatever self-destructive path that lead him straight into Megatron's wrath, and Primus knew Screamer needed to lighten up, but this...addiction was interfering with Skywarp's life, upsetting the natural order and all. And that was just wrong.

So it was also clear that something must be done about this. Fast.

Frowning, Skywarp sat up. But where to start? Well, Thundercracker would probably tell him (after much pestering and whining) to look at a problem, and take steps to tackle it.

So what was the first step in this crisis?

Skywarp bolted upright. "Of course!" he grinned, priding himself at coming to such a clever answer so quickly.

It was obvious! He needed to go undercover!

He giggled evilly, scheming as he glanced about his quarters, plotting. The first step was to discover what, exactly, Starscream was on, and to do that he would first have to find out the source.

Grinning in light of his genius, Skywarp collected himself as he started heading down to the rec. room. Every mission starts somewhere.

~~U_u~~

**And I guess this one ends here? I dunno... I dunno what this even is! Is this crack? Someone tell me if this is crack. I seriously can't tell because I can't write crack, and I'd see it as an accomplishment if I managed.** **O,O**

**Soooooo, yeah. This was supposed to be just one big (little) thing, but I wrote that last line and felt it was a good place to take a break. I honestly don't know where this will go. There'll be the second part, (hopefully posted tomorrow,) but really the only reason I'm uploading this is because I'm extremely curious about what the reaction will be to my sleep-deprived, nonsensical writing. XD**

**Anywho, please review, because I can't fathom what anyone's thinking right now (a little unsure if I know what _I'm_ thinking at this point) and I'd love to hear your thoughts. :3**

**As stated, the next part will hopefully be released tomorrow, and no, I don't take this seriously nor is it meant to be.**

**A thought you could be thinking: **So why is this called "Case: #1"?

**Answer: **Because reasons. ...Maybe. Depending on the reaction to this part and the next.

**Have a wonderful day and I'll see you soon.**

**~Scarlet.**


	2. Case: 1 - Part 2

**Detective Skywarp:**

_And the Mystery of the Weirdin' Out Trine-Mate_

(case 1.)

(part 2.)

**Well this probably isn't going to work. It's honestly past 2 a.m. at the moment, but I figured I may as well get around to writing (some of) this as I, at the very least, want to wrap up "case 1." and continue working on another story of mine.**

**Really got no clue where this will go. I have an idea, but there's no guarantee it'll go down that way. So let's see, shall we? **

~~uOu~~

Whispers of a secret underground drug operation were suddenly flying across the Nemesis. It was a different story each time it was told, the only consistency being Shockwave was almost always the villain or Narcotics-Overlord. Whether he was using drones to "illegally" transport crystalshine, maccni and SubTar to worlds throughout the galaxy, or standing all ominous in the dark on an abandoned street-corner, waiting for a Steelhie to arrive at the drop, Shockwave was some sort of shady character; it didn't take long for stories of the Drug-Lord's eminent (and surely soon to pass) downfall to surface, either.

"He'll be caught! Once the drone spies realize he's been playing them all along, they'll have enough proof to break free and bring him to an end."

"I'm tellin' ya, Misty will be the one who takes him down! Secret secretaries are kept secret for a reason! You dun'go bangin' what you're gonna be seein' tomorrow."

"All these idiots... It'll be the mutated drug-zombies that'll take over."

Of course the soldiers could hardly be blamed for indulging in (and clearly enjoying) these outlandish rumours; they had been so bored as of late with no battles or excitement that desperation was seeping through them, making them so very susceptible to Skywarp's lies.

Well...there always _was_ the chance that Shockwave actually was a Drug-dealing-zombie-king-secretary-banging-Overlord, but one mystery at a time.

Time had slipped past Skywarp incredibly quickly. With the business of spreading as many base versions of the drug-rumours as possible, (occasionally dropping the hint that "somehow" Starscream is involved) Skywarp still had a scrap-ton of work to do.

After the berthroom incident, (as he'd taken to calling it) Starscream had slowly begun to disappear: working less shifts in the Command Centre, never really appearing in the rec. room, taking fewer and fewer flying missions, etcetera, etcetera. Point was, everyone was beginning to see progressively smaller amounts of him. But these changes, unlike his dramatic personality alternation, were indeed barely distinguishable, and Skywarp might never have noticed if he wasn't paying an unsettling amount of attention to his Trine-Leader these days.

However, as a little more time wore on, mechs _were_ starting to notice, too. It was apparent that everyone had taken note of the shift in Starscream's personality, (whatever their thoughts, Skywarp didn't know) but his absence raised questions.

Where was he? What was he doing?

The villainous Shockwave rumours toned down some in light of whatever, exactly, Starscream was doing. Whenever he was spotted, it may as well have been documented; everyone became obsessed as to _what he was doing_. Even Megatron seemed anxious.

One afternoon, Skywarp sat _thinking_ (he'd been doing that a shockingly surprising amount lately) in his quarters. Originally, his plan had been to spread enough rumours of plausible scenarios, and carefully watch Starscream's reactions, waiting to see if one of the tales would strike a cord and he could have an idea of the situation. The problem? Starscream didn't even appear to _know_ about the rumours!

The idea was ridiculous, he knew. So much talk and Screamer didn't know a _thing?_ But it seemed to be the only _logical_ (oh how he hated that word) explanation. For, you guessed it, Starscream showed absolutely nothing. And Skywarp meant _nothing_. Not like he was acting innocent nothing, (as if he could really pull that off anyway...) but legitimately he held no response to the gossip.

This was because, as far as Skywarp could see, (however littler he saw him) he never _heard_ any of it – he was completely and totally uninterested in what was being talked about. In fact, he only spoke to anyone if it was unavoidable!

It was down right structural-frame chilling.

A groan passed from his intake.

And now the rumours were beginning to recede in favour of everyone more interested in Starscream's activities. With a grumble he shook his helm. Ironic, how uncovering his actions was what he was trying to accomplish all along.

But now everyone else was! So how in the bloody hell was he supposed to use that to his advanta-!

Skywarp froze. _Everyone else was_. Of course! How could he have been so idiotic?!

"I'm brilliant!" he shrieked excitedly, trying desperately not to start hopping around like a sparkling high on sweets.

Starscream _must_ have noticed everyone's suspicion of him - the mech was more paranoid than Breakdown and Red Alert combined! It just _had_ to be on his nerves that everyone was on to him!...whatever he was doing.

A triumphant smirk lit the Teleportor's expression. He would get to the bottom of this.

A little whiles later, Skywarp was heading all casual-like to Starscream's quarters, appearing disinterested in much as he rounded the final corner and arrived at his Trine-Leader's door. Completely at ease, he entered a recently-stolen override code, and walked straight in. Knocking would be far too suspicious.

Starscream was sitting over at a small couch leaning against the far wall, at least thirty data-pads stacked on either side of him as he sat bent over one.

"Skywarp." his weirdly calm voice called without him looking up.

Said mech refused to shudder. "Screamer," he replied subtly, not wanting to seem mellow, but acting excited could raise alarm.

Not bothering to wait for a reply or ask, he trudged over, shoved the stack of datapads on Starscream's left aside, and plopped his aft down. "You seen TC?" He jumped right in, sounding bored.

"Out completing a scouting mission." He shot him a pointed look. "The one _you_ should be on at the moment."

Skywarp, obviously, knew exactly where Thundercracker was and what he was doing, but on regular days, he'd require an excuse to get in and annoy the living scrap out of Starscream, so he'd come armed with a false one (as he often did, but that was just details).

"I'm boooored!" One which he wasted no time in getting at.

Instead of a scowl, snap, glower or other, Starscream merely sighed. "Of _course_ you are." He shook his helm. "That established, I am too busy-"

"But I'm _boooored!_"

Starscream rolled his optics. "Then go frag a door."

Skywarp paused. That was probably the most spirited, Starscream-ish response he'd gotten from him in months.

Shaking off the phenomenon, Skywarp quickly recovered. "No doors to frag! Everyone's too busy _hidin'_ behind them all, _gossipin'_ about some big unda-ground drug deal and your disappearing! What's up with that all anyway?"

"Myself being too overloaded with paper-work to mingle with you idiots, or some mythical drug deal I've never heard of?"

"Er...both?"

"I just told you, and it doesn't exist. I have no idea who informed you about an underground narcotics dealership, – of all things – but I can say with certainty it's a fantasy concocted by a bored mech with nothing better to do." His gaze locked with his. Another pointed look.

Skywarp pretended to be affronted. "_Moi?_"

"You would." Starscream answered flatly. "If you had nothing to be doing otherwise."

Skywarp scoffed. "If I could be havin' the time of my life, running around an' spreadin' rumours about a major drug incorp., why in the name of Primus would I be here talkin' to _you?"_

This seemed to settle whatever accusations that were rumbling inside of Starscream's head, and his Trine-Leader shrugged, settling back against the couch. "So what is it you want from me exactly? I'm extremely busy and can't afford to be wasting time."

Biggest moment. The chance to sell. He needed to get closer to Starscream, discover his operations, and this moment was how.

"Ya wanna go flyin'?"

Starscream's expression morphed into something...odd. Like it was trying to be angry, but it was just too estranged to manage it. "Are...are your audio receptors functioning? I just,_ literally_ just, told you I am _extremely busy_, and you pop that up from...where exactly?"

"Uhhhh, Krypton." Skywarp replied dully. He rolled his eyes. "Do ya wanna go or not?"

"Get out. Now."

"But do-"

"NOW!"

Three hours later, after much brooding over how that could have possibly have went so utterly wrong, (really, is firing one's null-rays six times in quick succession at your Trine-Mate _necessary?_) Skywarp was sitting in the rec. room, waiting for Thundercracker to appear.

He let a sad sigh drift from his vents. It was time. He'd figured he could solve this by himself, but...TC...was needed. Perhaps he'd even have a bit of hindsight into what was going on with their Trine-Leader.

As if on cue, all blue in cheery smiles (for a change), Thundercracker walked in. Grinning at him the sort of grin one has after a long and beautiful flight, he strut towards his table, pulling up a chair and saying, "Hey, how's it going 'Warp?"

Skywarp refused to waste any time. He looked at him, square in the faceplate. "What the frag's up with Starscream?"

Still smiling, and not having fully sat down, Thundercracker gracefully reversed his action, giving a bright, "Nope!" before turning on a thruster and walking away.

"Thundercracker!" Skywarp yelled loudly, but the blue Seeker was already gone.

~~O_u~~

**Oh Thundercracker, what are you involved in? C: **

**So how'd you like it? I was a little surprised at the positive response of the last chapter, and though yes this came out later than I figured it would, here it is and I hope you enjoyed. I actually had fun writing this! (Who knows, maybe now I can **_**finally**_** get back to working on my main story.) But as stated in the last chapter, I don't take this fic seriously nor is it meant to be. It's silly, and I guess a strange attempt at crack or something, but certainly not serious.**

**That being said, I really hope you enjoyed my sleep-depraved writing. I technically wrote this on two different nights, a couple of days apart from each other, both times it was passed 2 a.m. As of right now, it's almost four. So I've posted it, (well...will be, but if your reading it already has...or something,) and am going to bed. **

**Thank you for your comments last chapter, Thunderweb and Guest - they were wonderful to read. :)**

**I'll see you all soon and please leave a review telling me what you think. I doubt I'll go far with this story, (at least not yet) but I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on my silly, sleep-deprived writing. Funny, what a brain running solely on dwindling caffeine comes up with. **

**~Scarlet**


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